The elite French naval force, Les Phoques, startled the world with its swift and violence-free occupation of Louisiana yesterday morning. American press outlets report that the Phoques seized all critical restaurants, beignet outlets and crawfish swamps and have taken the culinary stronghold Café du Monde in New Orleans where troops dressed in French military uniforms were seen sipping coffee with ethnic French citizens who welcomed the Phoques arrival to Louisiana yesterday morning.
In addition, France has taken control of all oil and gas refineries located in this energy rich region claimed by America since the 1804 Louisiana Purchase by anglo-heritage President Thomas Jefferson.
Citing the security of French ethnics and a historical claim to the territory, French Prime Minister, Francois Holland taking a break from his latest dalliance with one of his mistresses, spoke to the European Community in Brussels yesterday and cited long standing French claims to Louisiana. Responding to muted American outrage at the occupation, Hollande reminded the world that Louisiana takes its name from King Louis of France, and the cultural heritage of the region lies with France.
American President Barack Obama after meeting with his national security council, issued the following statement.
“We will not stand by and have American donuts taken by a foreign power. This is an outrageous breach of international law and places Prime Minister Hollande on the wrong side of history.” The American President urged President Hollande to withdraw his forces and respect American sovereignty. He said it was possibke for both American and French donuts to be respected in the region.
In a wave of local protest to the occupation, David Duke, former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, has called on white sheeted forces to assemble on the eastern border of Louisiana with para-military units said to be preparing to take back the seized territory. Duke has said he will offer support for a restored Louisiana in exchange for ethnic cleansing of African American’s from the region. Spokespersons for the NAACP have expressed grave concerns for the safety of ethnic African Americans who represent a significant percentage of citizens in Louisiana. Long exploited and ignored by Louisiana leaders, African Americans in the region have had a traditional affection for the French, especially in the aftermath of the devastating Hurricane Katrina nearly ten years ago.
Louisiana Governor, Bobby Jindal, has left Louisiana and is said to be setting up a government in exile in India’s Mumbai. Jindal said that whatever actions President Obama might take to end this illegal occupation would be met with a swift and thorough consideration before being categorically rejected.
Complicating matters in this region are long simmering separatist movements in neighboring Texas, where secessionist forces have strong support amongst Tea Party activists and gun owners who are quite numerous in America’s second largest state. While their agenda is unclear, it is feared that ethnic cleansing of blacks, and, of course, Jews, who militant Tea Partiers claim control the crawfish trade, and liberals jin Louisiana, would be part of any deal brokered by secessionist forces. The balance of power may rest with these groups in what is thought to become a prolonged struggle.
Secretary of State, John Kerry, has flown to the region and is said to be eating a large bowl of etouffe in a symbolic gesture of unity and support with the French American populace in Louisiana.
Calls for sanctions against France are under consideration by all leaders of G7 countries, while the Chinese leadership offered this assessment of the situation late last night. “While western countries squabble amongst themselves, we are very happy to enter into beneficial trade agreements with anyone.”
Russian leader, Vladimir Putin, himself bogged down in resistance to his actions in the Crimea, said earlier today that he was proud of the performance of Russian athletes at the Sochi Olympics last month and would focus on Louisiana as soon as possible.