Ode to Poor Uncle Dick

Poor Uncle Dick, all alone at the party hanging out by the booze, but cousin Jimmy was told not to serve him cause Uncle Dick’s on heart medicine, the kind that don’t mix well with alcohol.  Well, no matter anyway, everyone knows he’s a mean drunk so it’s best to keep him sober

Poor Uncle Dick.  Years ago, he lost one nut scaling a fence after trying to steal a car from a used car lot.  After getting inside the fenced lot he lit the place on fire when he couldn’t find the keys to any of the cars.  As he was leaving, poor Uncle Dick was surprised by an angry Rottweiler who chased him around the lot until Dick killed the dog with a tire iron.  He lost his nut when he got stuck on the fence on the way out.  That was a bad night for him, cause when he got to the bottom of the fence there was a police car waiting for him.

Later, he told the judge he did it to impress a girl, Janey Drinkwater, but she said she didn’t even know who he was, but she showed them a series of weird notes she had been getting anonymously from “some creep.”  They never could prove he sent the notes, but he did.  His father got him off in a deal where he could do counseling instead of jail time.  His counselor later said he was a very strange human being and that he shouldn’t be around children or animals. None of this surprised his father, who said his oldest son was always too happy to castrate the hogs and the bulls on the farm. Said his Dad, “The sight of blood never bothered little Dick…well unless it was his own, then he’d go running to his room and hold his hamster by its tail and listen to it squeal.”

Poor Uncle Dick.  Everyone is enjoying the party but him.  Every time he tries to get into a conversation it’s like the sea parts.  I guess people get tired of hearing about his gun collection and hunting exploits.  Jeeez, how many times can you listen to a guy talk about skinning an elk?

Poor Uncle Dick.  They say his mother couldn’t breast feed him because he’d latch on for holy hell until his she screamed for mercy.  Staring down at his malevolent little infant eyes she had the sense that he liked inflicting pain.  “Happiest day of my life is when we switched him to the bottle,” says his Mom.  “Truth be told, and I am not proud of this, but I used to add a little vinegar to the little monster’s formula hoping it might help with the colic.  Didn’t, but I kept trying.”  That’s what Poor Uncle Dick’s mother said, I swear, she told me that more than once.

Poor Uncle Dick still walks around trying to get everyone to look up to him, but Christ, the man is a piece of work if ever there was one.  Hard to tell what his children think of him, and I wouldn’t dare ask his wife.  She just about trembles in his presence.  Can’t hardly imagine what happens in their home.  It’s like he thinks that we all can’t wait to hear more about the battery in his chest that keeps his heart ticking.

Maybe that’s it.  Maybe his heart has to work so hard to beat that there ain’t no kindness in it.  Poor Uncle Dick.  Maybe they’ll find a way to finally get around the statute of limitations on that little mess he got into a few years back,  He says he was just defending his family, but even they say Dick wanted the people to come in the house so he could surprise them with his weapons.  Pretty shocking all the blood they had to clean up.  Two of them fellas still can’t walk, so they keep them in that special prison where they can get treated properly.

Poor Uncle Dick.  What can we do with poor Uncle Dick?

(How about we prosecute him for sanctioning torture and other crimes against humanity?)

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