Putzie and The Big Fella #1

Ring ring ring goes Vladimir Putin’s phone.

V: Hello, this is Vladimir. Is that you Big Don?

D:  Big as a loaded Tomahawk. How’s it hanging in Moscow?

V:  Never hanging, Big Fella. We never hang in Russia, too messy, but enough about me, how’s your golf game?

D:  Amazing, shot a seventy-eight yesterday.  Should have played Augusta.

V: And Melania?  Think about where she might be if we took Slovenia?

D: You dog you.  But seriously, Putzie

V:  Oh, same old, same old.  Crushed the protest, jailed some schmuck who wanted an election in St. Petersburg.  Same shit, different day I think is how you say in the US.  A little preoccupied with this French thing. That fucking Macron is stirring things up and those Frenchie’s take their elections so serious, but, no matter, you called me, what’s up?

D: Listen Putzie, we’ve been getting some shit from our Democratic senators over the Supreme Court so we need a little diversion.  Thinking about dropping a few Tomahawks on Syria.  You know, a little muscle flexing, yell at Assad, talk about how much I love babies.  Looks good on the resume’ and it’ll keep eyes off the Suoreme Court.

V:  Nice.  Say, what does a Tomahawk cost?  You know I get a little every time we fire anything.  You?

D: Let’s just say that missiles hit more than one target, Putzie.  That’s what we call a smart bomb!

V:  Oh, Big Fella, you see that’s what I love about you.  So, what can I do to help?

D: We don’t need much but thought you might get your people out ahead of time.  We’ll throw the Tomahawks, show a few pictures and by the time the dust settles no one will be thinking about our Judge.  You could yell a bit, scream at me, maybe have your guy at the UN say something.  You know, make a little show about it and I’ll get Tilly to say a few things nasty about you too.

V: All this just for a judge.  I’m telling you, democracy is such a waste.  Why not serve up a few Perestroika Cocktails?

D: What’s that?

V: It’s what we fondly think of here as a quick way to revoke someone’s passport. A Perestroika Cocktail is a little Russian jab in the ass with a loaded umbrella.  Works like a charm.

D: Hmm, might try if that little Knish eater Ginsburg doesn’t kick off soon.

V: Okay, sounds good, Donny.  Anything else?

D: No, well…there is that little matter about the steel for the Dakota pipeline.

V: Oh, Donnie, you think I forgot.  The checks in the mail.  And you know the great thing about Russian steel?

D: No, what’s that?

V: You buy it once and when it fails, you buy it again.  Two kickbacks for you. Oh Donnie, I just get so excited thinking of what we can do.

D: Same  goes for me big fella.  You take care Putzie, and let me know if there’s anything you need at the hotel in Moscow.




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