Ring ring ring goes Vladimir Putin’s phone.
V: Hello, this is Vladimir. Is that you Big Don?
D: Big as a loaded Tomahawk. How’s it hanging in Moscow?
V: Never hanging, Big Fella. We never hang in Russia, too messy, but enough about me, how’s your golf game?
D: Amazing, shot a seventy-eight yesterday. Should have played Augusta.
V: And Melania? Think about where she might be if we took Slovenia?
D: You dog you. But seriously, Putzie
V: Oh, same old, same old. Crushed the protest, jailed some schmuck who wanted an election in St. Petersburg. Same shit, different day I think is how you say in the US. A little preoccupied with this French thing. That fucking Macron is stirring things up and those Frenchie’s take their elections so serious, but, no matter, you called me, what’s up?
D: Listen Putzie, we’ve been getting some shit from our Democratic senators over the Supreme Court so we need a little diversion. Thinking about dropping a few Tomahawks on Syria. You know, a little muscle flexing, yell at Assad, talk about how much I love babies. Looks good on the resume’ and it’ll keep eyes off the Suoreme Court.
V: Nice. Say, what does a Tomahawk cost? You know I get a little every time we fire anything. You?
D: Let’s just say that missiles hit more than one target, Putzie. That’s what we call a smart bomb!
V: Oh, Big Fella, you see that’s what I love about you. So, what can I do to help?
D: We don’t need much but thought you might get your people out ahead of time. We’ll throw the Tomahawks, show a few pictures and by the time the dust settles no one will be thinking about our Judge. You could yell a bit, scream at me, maybe have your guy at the UN say something. You know, make a little show about it and I’ll get Tilly to say a few things nasty about you too.
V: All this just for a judge. I’m telling you, democracy is such a waste. Why not serve up a few Perestroika Cocktails?
D: What’s that?
V: It’s what we fondly think of here as a quick way to revoke someone’s passport. A Perestroika Cocktail is a little Russian jab in the ass with a loaded umbrella. Works like a charm.
D: Hmm, might try if that little Knish eater Ginsburg doesn’t kick off soon.
V: Okay, sounds good, Donny. Anything else?
D: No, well…there is that little matter about the steel for the Dakota pipeline.
V: Oh, Donnie, you think I forgot. The checks in the mail. And you know the great thing about Russian steel?
D: No, what’s that?
V: You buy it once and when it fails, you buy it again. Two kickbacks for you. Oh Donnie, I just get so excited thinking of what we can do.
D: Same goes for me big fella. You take care Putzie, and let me know if there’s anything you need at the hotel in Moscow.